Confessions of a 30 Year-Old

To be 30. Life up to this point has been filled with trials and tribulations, insecurities, disappointment, change, growth, love, acceptance, and now here I am. Here means I know who I am, I like who I am, better yet I love who I am, I know what I want, and I know what I am not willing to put up with in my life. Boy did It take time to get to this place, and even in this place I know that there are still ways in which I can grow, because I don’t have my whole life figured out. At 30 my journey is not close to being over, but I feel confident in saying that I am headed in the direction that feels right to me.

My journey began the day that I arrived on this planet we call earth, slightly dramatic, but you know it’s true. Let us start with the impactful years, childhood! I think by now we all know that the majority of our issues stem from childhood, good ol’ inner child emotional wounds that usually hang around until we actually deal with them. For me Childhood = Teasing. When thinking about acceptance it is difficult to fully accept oneself when one grows up being teased by so many people, teased for the most ridiculous things, for mixing styles together that most people wouldn’t, for listening to music that others said was weird, for reading books instead of playing outside, for wearing glasses (even though I needed them to actually see), and for having a perspective that was different. During childhood and adolescence I liked all of these things about me, it was my vibe, but it was difficult to fully accept myself when I was being made fun for the very things that I enjoyed, it just made me feel like I had to be someone different. Luckily there was something in me, I am not quite sure what it was, perhaps my temperament, but there was something that wouldn’t allow me to change the way I was. Despite this I still developed insecurities about how I was seen by the masses, but then again who wouldn’t in this circumstance?

As we move into my twenties, that is when my lack of acceptance/battle with my hair took place. In my early twenties I was so insecure with my curly mane, I wouldn’t allow people to see me unless it was straightened. For me straight hair was seen as “better,” “attractive,” and “sleek.” During my undergraduate studies, I frequently saw people with straight hair, people I knew, people on TV, and people in magazines. I figured straight would land me a date! Oh gosh, I must laugh at myself for that one! Not only that, I thought I’d be seen as better, or prettier than I would be seen with my curly hair. This was the time where I lost a little bit of me, and the one time I actually changed something about myself due to others’ opinions. Luckily one day I snapped out of it! I remember this day clearly, I was in my dorm, it was Spring of 2011 and I was the only one in the shared bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror and said we aren’t doing this anymore, and I stepped into the shower washed my thick curly hair, threw in leave-in conditioner and some mousse, and threw my hair up in a high curly ponytail, which became my signature look in college. This was the moment where I decided that whether I am judged for my appearance or not, if I like something that is all that matters.

Moving into my mid-twenties I have to give credit to my graduate school program for my extra dose of self-growth, because it required all students to meet with a therapist for a minimum of 30 sessions, and yes we had to show proof. Surprisingly, prior to this I had never actually thought of going to therapy, even though I was studying it. During therapy, I was able to recognize insecurities that I developed in childhood, along with behaviors that got in the way of self-growth. It was nice to speak to someone that wasn’t trying to give me unsolicited advice, or tell me something that in reality had nothing to do with what I saying. It was refreshing to truly feel heard, understood, and most importantly to reflect on my needs and wants. This was an experience that helped to mold me into the person I am today, and helped me to realize what I do not have to put up with in my life.

At 30, I wear my hair however I want, naturally curly, what I consider “fake curls” my twist-outs, straightened, box-braids, or in a head wrap. In my 30’s when people say negative things it rubs me the wrong way for a few seconds, but what usually flows into my mind is the following,

That’s their opinion not mine, they may not like this style but they are not wearing it, nor did they pay for it. I think to myself that my decisions make me happy and that is what matters. My follow-up thought is that there must be things going on in this person’s life to cause them to be in such a negative headspace.

At this age, my love for myself repels the negative, superficial comments that I receive from others, and at this age I am able to set healthy boundaries that are needed for me.

If I listened to what people said I wouldn’t wear my hair the way I do, I wouldn’t wear the clothes that I love, I wouldn’t listen to the music I enjoy, I wouldn’t read the books that capture my attention, and thus I wouldn’t allow myself to be me. I love the things that I do, the person that I am and the person I am growing to be. The journey of growth and self-acceptance seems never ending, and sometimes we have to fight through things within our own minds to get to a place of feeling proud to be ourselves.

Acceptance allows us to love who we are, have a growth mindset, lessens insecurities, gives us the ability to initiate positive changes in our life, allows us to get through difficult life experiences, and leads us to feeling proud of ourselves, and what we do. Where ever you are at in your journey be proud of yourself for getting to this point, accept the fact that you are ever changing and growing as a human being. Be proud of yourself! Accept yourself! Love yourself!

Keep growing beautiful, you are deserving of recognizing your true worth!

Love your girl,

Gabrielle